FFJ - 19 - Death and Taxes

Resurrecting the CPA was the easy part. Getting him to do my taxes was proving difficult. Turns out that the afterlife gives perspective, the kind of perspective that makes taxes seem “mundane” and “pointless.” As much as many would believe otherwise, necromancy was more conditioning and shepherding than it was dark rituals and profane arts. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a decent bit of the latter. It’s just that it gets overshadowed by paperwork, behavioral therapy, and upkeep. They say the same thing about other exciting jobs, no? Firefighting is only fighting fire on occasion. 

It was a similar situation. And, I really needed Carl Baker to get his motivations in order. April 15th was in a few short days, and I had been using the man for nigh on four decades to catalog, sort, and file my taxes. Soul contractor. Exemptions. Where did bodies factor in on deductions? I had no idea where to begin, but Carl had always handled it with practiced ease. I brought the dead to life and he made sure I wasn’t haunted by the foul specter known as the IRS. They were practically this era's inquisition. They may not bring death in the physical sense, but one slip up and my business would be as dead and buried as Carl was last night. 

I had my file set in front of him, thick as the necronomicon and nearly as powerful in terms of my soon-to-be-decided fate. 

“Carl, I beg of you. You must finish what you had begun. My unlife’s work is on the line.”

He issued forth a series of groans and gestures that could only have meant, “Exedirius the Powerful, I understand the predicament that has beset you, my friend. However, I have seen that which lays beyond the fold, and I no longer wish to meddle in affairs so trivial, so mundane as these. My time as a CPA is behind me. And, more importantly, my stamp would no longer be valid, as I am registered as deceased.” 

“You see my rotting friend, that is where you’re wrong. I struck down the coroner with a bolt of necrotic lightning before he could file that vile paperwork. To the waking world, you are still a practicing CPA. I will rectify this if you just finish this stack at once.”
His unseeing eyes lolled listlessly, and Carl’s jaw clacked out of place. It was a clear display of disapproval. If I had a heart, it would have sunk to the pit of my stomach, should I have had one of those, too. It was hopeless. Carl had always been a man of principals. It’s what made him such a damn good CPA. 

“Is there nothing I can do to convince you?”

Stoic as he was in life, he met my eye with a leveled gaze. It was no use. The man wasn’t going to budge. It was possible to force the issue using the necromatic arts, but I reserved such powers for vile enemies. Such methods would be immoral to use on him. Killing IRS agents wasn’t a viable solution, at least not in the long-term. Everything was online these days. Bah. I’d have to go back to the drawing board. For the first time in eons, my time was ticking.